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ISIS threatens Alex Jones: “Grow that beard longer or WE WILL BEHEAD YOU!”

Dissociated Press

Is ISIS plotting an attack on Alex Jones?

In a new video released by Rita Kuntz of SHITE Intelligence Group, a vicious-looking villain with a big black bushy shariah-compliant beard brandishes a glittering scimitar and inveighs against the popular talk show host’s “pathetic scruffy little attempt to produce facial hair.”

“While we appreciate Alex’s decision to convert to Islam, signified by his effort to put some manly hair on that pudgy little baby face, the fact is that to be fully shariah compliant, beards need to be at least 16 centimeters in length,” scowling ISIS spokesvillain Abdul Ibn Stinkenstein explained.

He added that Jones also had better quit drinking, chasing women, and indulging in his penchant for nose candy “or we will be reluctantly forced to parade him around downtown Austin in an orange jumpsuit and give him an ‘ISIS haircut’ which consists of ‘taking everything off above the neck.'”

Informed of ISIS’s threats, Jones reacted with the equanimity characteristic of his newfound faith. “Alhamdullilah, my male potency pills have helped me produce a little bit of facial hair so I can at least try to follow the sunna of the Prophet, sallallahu alaihi wassalam. Insha’allah, if Allah so wills, and my male enhancement supplements finally start to REALLY kick in, a miracle will occur and I will somehow manage to produce an actual beard before ISIS finds me. Insha’allah.”

In an interview outside the local courthouse, Jones’s ex-wife ridiculed her ex-husband’s new beard, and expressed grave doubts that the male enhancement pills would ever actually work.

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